Out With the Old…

I have been MIA for the last few months because I’ve been doing a lot of intense self work. It has been quite a roller coaster and rather than blog it all out, I chose the retreat and regroup approach. I’m still in the midst of it all, but I’m finally feeling like I’m standing on more steady emotional ground and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

Except of course that it was a full moon yesterday, and that means the girls and I are more. Everything is just more and has been for a few days now. More tired, more whiny, more squabbling… just MORE. It doesn’t help that we’ve had two blizzards that kept us in the house all day for three whole days. BUT the bright side of that is we have tons of snow to dig caves and tunnels in, which has been a blast! I have even enjoyed being out in the cold, which would definitely get a good chuckle out of those who know me 😉

On top of all the self work and doing the stay-at-home mom thing, I’ve started my second year of herbalist school as well as Tammi Sweet’s online Anatomy and Physiology course, both of which I’m exceedingly happy about. And while they’ve added more to my daily load, they have each helped me so much that it is more than worth it. A healthier body has been vital during this time.

But back to the self work. It’s tough! Like really tough some days. It turns out trying to rid yourself of old, stuck down deep emotions, thought patterns, and habits is not easy. Who would have thought, right?! It’s tough to have to learn to speak kindly to yourself, treat yourself with kindness, forgive yourself… and others. It’s tough to let go of anger, bitterness, and resentment you’ve carried around for so long, especially when you thought you had already dealt with all of these issues ages ago. It’s tough to realize that the clutter you’ve allowed to build up around your house is a direct reflection of the clutter and chaos going on inside of you. And… and and and… it’s really damn tough to not really know how exactly you’re going to change these things, but knowing deep down it’s the only choice you have, if you want balance and happiness in your life.

Which I do. I really really do. I’m tired of trying to control everything because I’m afraid it won’t turn out the way I’d like it to. Sometimes not getting what I want is the best thing for me and my family. I’m tired of the mood swings, the general feelings of irritation and discontent that mar even my happiest moments, because there is something I should be doing, I just don’t know what. I’m annoyed that I don’t know what it is because I should know dammit.

And more than being tired with all of those things, I am really scared of this feeling of apathy that was starting to creep in. Not knowing what to do, not being sure of my next step, feeling like I’m not hearing my guides and angels right, not trusting my gut has caused me to kind of curl up in on myself, which was starting to look and feel like apathy. I am anything but apathetic. I’m passionate about so many things. I want to do all the things and be all the things. My biggest issue is this knowing that I have a big purpose in this life and this overwhelming sense of urgency I feel to get on with it.

That sort of mentality has been hard to overcome. In fact, I still haven’t overcome it. Mindfulness and being in the present moment is something I struggle with every single day. I have always lived and planned for the future. When I’m older, I’ll be this… When I’m this, I’ll do that… And if I’m not busily planning out the future, I’m reminiscing about days gone by or trying to work through all the different emotions attached to those memories. There have been very few times in my life, other than when I was a very small child, that I have actually fully embraced the moment I am in. This and patience are my two biggest challenges in life.

And that leads us to an overall lesson on trust. I need to trust Spirit and myself and the ebb and flow life. I need to not just say that it will all be ok and truly start believing that on every level because it always has been ok, and it always will be ok. In fact, it will be more than ok. It will be good, really good, and not because I force it, but because I trust that it will be, and the Universe will always meet me where I’m at with my thoughts and feelings. Just like it always does for all of us, which brings me back to changing those old thought patterns…